It's all your fault

I have never seen someone so broken, so much hatred, resentment and anger. I wasn't sad. I was truly heartbroken.


I guess I know what it is like to be lost. I remember when I was in Beijing, I had just quit my job and the only thing I had in front of me was a plate of blow and a fridge full of beer. I did not leave my apartment for a week. 

It's hard to accept that the best you can do is to do nothing at all. You want to hold on and fix what is broken. It is almost impossible for me to look at N and say you are a lost cause and I should go because for some reason, I care for him and yes, I do love him.

I remember standing there and just looking at him. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion over and over. The look in his eyes and I knew I lost him. The man I fell in love with was gone. I was shaking. I was devastated. I felt helpless and useless. I wanted to cut myself so I could tell him I know the pain and I am here, I wanted to drink because I didn't want to believe this was happening.