You win

Okay, break ups are bad. We all know that one. How bad is bad? I never truly understood when people went on and on about "pain" and "suffering" after break ups. I just chose to avoid all that by packing my bags and moving to a new city almost immediatly and also not remaining sober.

All that sadistic feelings people talked about, today, it hit me.

It's been 6 months. I have dated other people. I also went through the mandatory "slutty phase" and drunkenly fucked strangers for weeks on end. I moved to a new city, made new friends, changed my hair and adopted a puppy.

I am back home for a visit and I still live at my old place. I never bothered doing the post-break-upspring-clean. So looking at it is now, it was like he never left really. His office keys on the table, clothes in the drawer, our portrait hanging on the wall. I still find myself sleeping on my side and putting the cat on his. I was just used to it and I was happy having things like this.

Okay whatever it is, for whatever reason when I was in the room, I found myself crying.

And I couldn't stop crying. 1 box of kleenex later, I was still sobbing. What the fuck? Is this what people have been trying to tell me? Is this what break ups feel like?

This snowball of emotions just ran me over. God, to think I thought I had ran far enough from it! Fuck! What happens next? How do we make this stop?

A lesson learnt

I ended up in Hong Kong after T a.k.a Monster Cock left. Hong Kong has got to be the easiest place to get laid. Forget pick up lines, just use hand signals. Trust me.

I got sent to Beijing not long after and spent 3 months of my life partying like a rockstar. We're talking to the point I ended up in a wheelchair my flight home to Singas.

Going back for Xmas, got my classy little dress ready.

This time, no more fucking people for free.

Sometimes I just look at him, when our eyes meet, it kills me that I don't know what it is. One thing for sure he always has his thoughts somewhere else, always so distant. He's never really with me as much as I like him to be. But, I want to feel as close to him as I can, I want to please him so much, I want him to stay on me till his sweat forms a layer on my bare skin, I want to be drenched in his scent, I want to be a part of him. He doesn't know that, even if he does, there isn't any room for me. This is it. It has to be it.

The first time T and I had sex, I was too drunk to remember how it went exactly.

I remember waking up, crusty eyed from last night's mascara, feeling the unfamilar sheets and recalling how cold the room was. I never ever sleep with the A/C on. I turn over and I see that he is already awake.

He didn't look so bad. I must have liked something about him last night. Then he said something to me which I didn't quite understand. God, he was so European. I get it now, I must have liked his accent.

I had to do the morning thing, pee and brush my teeth. I don't usually use people's tooth brushes but considering the fact that my mouth might have explored areas far more private then his toothbrush, I really couldn't bother anymore. I scan for clothes and I only see my runched up thong lying somewhere a few feet from me. I decided to brave the A/C.

We didn't talk too much. I remember trying to leave his apartment twice only to have him shag me somemore. By the afternoon, we exhausted his condom supply.

Some days I feel destructive, I just want consume as much alcohol or whatever people offer me till I reach a state my mind falls into the depths of a black hole. I just want to hurt myself because I feel worthless and ashamed of everything I had done before. I just want to bury myself in misery. I am stained.
Some days I think about the past, I think about how everything might have been. I lie on my side of the bed and cry into his pillow. I curse at the Gods and ask them how did it all end up like this, did he really love me? Why did the one thing I had so much hope in walk out on me? What did I do wrong? I thought things could get better. I cry so hard my chest hurts, I get exhausted, I pop some more pills and fall asleep.
Some days I wake up feeling like the happiest girl, I feel like I've got everything going on in my life, I feel free, I feel liberated. I feel like I can do whatever the fuck I want and no one can bring me down anymore. I feel like someone cut the shackles and that the day he left me was the day I had been finally set free.. Set free to be myself.
Some days I stay in bed and don't think about anything at all. I just lay in silence, dust till dawn, watching time pass.

December 5th 2009

December 5th 2009 (Mental note to self : Do not kill yourself. You have a flight 2 days from now)

I spent most of today crying. Reading and re-reading emails, watching and re-watching videos from "the ex" also known was "Goldilocks". Those who read my previous blog have seen the transition from "that underaged party girl" to "boring girlfriend" to "that party girl". I'm right back where I started. Matthew calls this the "Cycle of Suck". I really don't like this.