I have massive issues with my weight. Anyone who tells me I look healthy should fuck off. I don't feel healthy, I feel bloated, ugly and disgusted with myself.
Current weight: 58
Ideal weight: 45
I remember when I was 63 and everyone said I looked fine and bubbly, skinny girls aren't boring, clothes hang off them well, they look fit. Healthy = fat. Jesus. You really think I buy that crap?
Because of my medication, my metabolism rate has gone mental on me. Be happy and fat or skinny and depressed? I'll pick the latter any day.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Palm me
Today I had my palms read.
I will meet The One 3-4 years from now and have 4-5 children eventually.
People often ask my why I'm in a rush. I'm 20 going on 21, I just finished college, I've got the whole world ahead of me. I'll tell you why. There are days before I go to sleep, I wish I was that girl who is 20 going on 21, just finished college, got the whole world ahead of her.
I wish I wasn't that girl that ran away from the loony bin and only had to be brought back a couple of years later with various addictions because she had to. I wish I wasn't that girl that had spent all week in Vegas with my phone off just so she could "have fun with the girls" but in fact gambled away her plane ticket money to New York. I wish I wasn't that girl who had an affair with her gay meth addict room mate. I wish I wasn't that girl her mother checked into a rehabilitation center on Father's Day. I wish I wasn't that girl that had to take a year off because she has to attend AA meetings or meeting with her psychologist and psychiatrist every week.
When you tell this to someone, life isn't like the movies. Boy hears sad story, boy tears up and boy accept girl for who she is. Real life, boy sees girl as a liability and boy fucks off. True story.
So will I really meet The One 3-4 years from now and have 4-5 children eventually?
I will meet The One 3-4 years from now and have 4-5 children eventually.
People often ask my why I'm in a rush. I'm 20 going on 21, I just finished college, I've got the whole world ahead of me. I'll tell you why. There are days before I go to sleep, I wish I was that girl who is 20 going on 21, just finished college, got the whole world ahead of her.
I wish I wasn't that girl that ran away from the loony bin and only had to be brought back a couple of years later with various addictions because she had to. I wish I wasn't that girl that had spent all week in Vegas with my phone off just so she could "have fun with the girls" but in fact gambled away her plane ticket money to New York. I wish I wasn't that girl who had an affair with her gay meth addict room mate. I wish I wasn't that girl her mother checked into a rehabilitation center on Father's Day. I wish I wasn't that girl that had to take a year off because she has to attend AA meetings or meeting with her psychologist and psychiatrist every week.
When you tell this to someone, life isn't like the movies. Boy hears sad story, boy tears up and boy accept girl for who she is. Real life, boy sees girl as a liability and boy fucks off. True story.
So will I really meet The One 3-4 years from now and have 4-5 children eventually?
Monday, July 5, 2010
boys and beaches
Today I bumped into a boy that I had been ignoring for the past 3 years. I don't remember why I stopped liking him or why we stopped going out but what I do remember is, when I used to door bitch at this by guestlist only club, he arrived with 2 other friends and I went like 'You in, you in and you not' and he remembers that too. Why was I such a bitch to him? I have absolutely no clue now. The shit you don't remember 3 years back. Hmm.
He comes up to me while I was standing on the steps watching flame throwers endanger lives of unsuspecting patrons and half drunk couples making out. 'Hey, how have you been?' One hand on my shoulder, leans in and kisses me on my cheek. Hang on one second buddy, when did I stop ignoring you? I looked at him. I just looked at him and he says 'Are you still doing this?' For a short period of time sometime this year we worked at the same building and I would see him during my lunch breaks, smoke breaks or just passing each other down the stairs or elevator rides and it got to the point where I was like, is fate taking a shit on me or what? But anyhow, we started chatting because I'm a forgiving person and that's what forgiving people do.
He tells me it's his birthday tomorrow, I tell him happy birthday, he thanks me and says I have grown up. These days it's really mature to wish people happy birthday it seems. We took a walk along the beach, he offers to take me out to dinner this week and politely decline. He asks me why and I reply that I have a lot of food in my fridge right now so maybe next time. I tell him my birthday is sometime this month and he offers to take me out to dinner again, 'not on your birthday of course, that wouldn't be in my place.. Or is it?'. No it isn't. And I let that thought wonder out loud.
He comes up to me while I was standing on the steps watching flame throwers endanger lives of unsuspecting patrons and half drunk couples making out. 'Hey, how have you been?' One hand on my shoulder, leans in and kisses me on my cheek. Hang on one second buddy, when did I stop ignoring you? I looked at him. I just looked at him and he says 'Are you still doing this?' For a short period of time sometime this year we worked at the same building and I would see him during my lunch breaks, smoke breaks or just passing each other down the stairs or elevator rides and it got to the point where I was like, is fate taking a shit on me or what? But anyhow, we started chatting because I'm a forgiving person and that's what forgiving people do.
He tells me it's his birthday tomorrow, I tell him happy birthday, he thanks me and says I have grown up. These days it's really mature to wish people happy birthday it seems. We took a walk along the beach, he offers to take me out to dinner this week and politely decline. He asks me why and I reply that I have a lot of food in my fridge right now so maybe next time. I tell him my birthday is sometime this month and he offers to take me out to dinner again, 'not on your birthday of course, that wouldn't be in my place.. Or is it?'. No it isn't. And I let that thought wonder out loud.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
You got prawn-ed
Today I went for a dinner interview.
Due to a big mess up in times with the recruiter and my supposed future employer and pouring rain, I was nearly 3 hours late for my interview.
"You are the epitome of arrogance. You waltz in here, 3 hours late, order yourself a beer and have the audacity to face the other way and check out the entire bar. " Future boss takes a sip of his drink. "When can you start?"
Done and done. We sealed the deal. I got the job. He briefed me on the recent projects, penciled me into a lunch meeting he has with one of his clients coming Monday.
After 22 kamikaze shots and 15 Heinekens, his business partner and my friend who had later joined us for a mini celebration were forced to go get "Indian stuff to eat" because "he is English and that's what English people do after drinking."
Half past ten, we sat around dishes of alogobi and nans and resumed our conversation on the projects. I was aboslutely psyched that he was intending to let me handle the up coming music festival, I didn't see that coming ! I mean it's huge! What I also didn't see coming was that he decided that mid way through the conversation, he decides to throw a prawn at me. Maybe English people do that when they are drunk, go to indian restuatants and call all the waitstaff muthu and throw prawns at each other but whatever it is,
HE THREW A FUCKING PRAWN AT ME.
There it was, the prawn, glistering in slimy green curry sitting on my lap. He proceeded to tell me, "You are a star, continue shining bright... cause if you don't.. I'll fire you." All this being said, with the bloody prawn sitting there, almost greening-ly mockingly in the bright contrast of my newly bought black pencil skirt.
What the fuck?
Due to a big mess up in times with the recruiter and my supposed future employer and pouring rain, I was nearly 3 hours late for my interview.
"You are the epitome of arrogance. You waltz in here, 3 hours late, order yourself a beer and have the audacity to face the other way and check out the entire bar. " Future boss takes a sip of his drink. "When can you start?"
Done and done. We sealed the deal. I got the job. He briefed me on the recent projects, penciled me into a lunch meeting he has with one of his clients coming Monday.
After 22 kamikaze shots and 15 Heinekens, his business partner and my friend who had later joined us for a mini celebration were forced to go get "Indian stuff to eat" because "he is English and that's what English people do after drinking."
Half past ten, we sat around dishes of alogobi and nans and resumed our conversation on the projects. I was aboslutely psyched that he was intending to let me handle the up coming music festival, I didn't see that coming ! I mean it's huge! What I also didn't see coming was that he decided that mid way through the conversation, he decides to throw a prawn at me. Maybe English people do that when they are drunk, go to indian restuatants and call all the waitstaff muthu and throw prawns at each other but whatever it is,
HE THREW A FUCKING PRAWN AT ME.
There it was, the prawn, glistering in slimy green curry sitting on my lap. He proceeded to tell me, "You are a star, continue shining bright... cause if you don't.. I'll fire you." All this being said, with the bloody prawn sitting there, almost greening-ly mockingly in the bright contrast of my newly bought black pencil skirt.
What the fuck?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Oliver
It was a Monday night. I was new in town, I just got my nails done, looked through the lonely planet... Pretty good reviews of the bar right next to where my apartment was, why not?
So there I was, in my tracksuit... having an apple martini. First of all, I don't know anyone in this city. Secondly, I don't really care what people who hang out at bars on a Monday night think about me.
The bartender took pity on me (I think), she bought me 2 drinks after I took forever trying to figure out the exchange rate. I guess wearing a pull over from a crap university along with horrible calculating skills makes you look like a poor little thing but if this is what gets me free drinks, I'm wearing this every time I leave the house.
2 am. I'm still sitting by the bar alone. They turn on the lights, they start playing fuck off songs and then one particular song came up and I find myself singing to it and I wasn't the only one.... I look to my right and there he was, right at end of the bar.
Oli and I had such a tempestuous relationship, it would have made a roller coaster look like a joke. We'll fight for 2 days, not speak to each other for a week and then spend the whole weekend after naked under the sheets. We had absolutely no trust in each other. He stole my number of his then bi-sexual girlfriend's phone who had been "on to me" that same night. I didn't see it as that, I mean someone asking you to "hang out" and go "shopping" isn't exactly an invitation to munch on her carpet or is it? Conveniently "dumps" her and by that I mean don't pick up her calls and lead her to believing he had gone to Germany for some rather urgent business and changes the locks on her by our 3rd date, you could see why we couldn't possibly work this. I woke up on him checking my emails by the 6th date. I had his ex-girlfriend/semi-girlfriend or whatever you call her crying outside my door one night ... and this was when I pulled the plug and called my landlord to move the fuck out of there.
Towards the end, he came by my new apartment (making him promise he kept my address a secret from his psycho girl) with a bottle of vodka. We both knew it had to end somehow. We looked at each other and all we could say was.. What really went wrong?
The both of us just desperately trying to find that very feeling that we had, the "special" connection we felt the first time we met... or with that other special someone.. We both fell in deeply in love once. Not with each other or the partners we were with.. but some one from the past and trying to re-visit that was harder then we thought and when that didn't work, we drank ourselves into believing that it did.
We had so much baggage of our own, I think deep down, we both knew we were using each other as an excuse to not face up. It was easy to just sing to that same song, get completely fucked out of our heads. Did we really want to do this or were we just finding that other someone that left us a long time ago in each other?
I remember how he would always use whisper to me "If you don't sleep, its easier to wake up." He would stroke my hair and tell me this over and over again as I desperately try to sleep. I finally knew what he meant on that last night.
We still talk now. It's quite obviously we make much better friends then lovers. He still makes fun of what I was wearing the first night he met me. All in all, I'm glad I made the decision that night... Well, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't live a lie that I myself can't keep up with.
So there I was, in my tracksuit... having an apple martini. First of all, I don't know anyone in this city. Secondly, I don't really care what people who hang out at bars on a Monday night think about me.
The bartender took pity on me (I think), she bought me 2 drinks after I took forever trying to figure out the exchange rate. I guess wearing a pull over from a crap university along with horrible calculating skills makes you look like a poor little thing but if this is what gets me free drinks, I'm wearing this every time I leave the house.
2 am. I'm still sitting by the bar alone. They turn on the lights, they start playing fuck off songs and then one particular song came up and I find myself singing to it and I wasn't the only one.... I look to my right and there he was, right at end of the bar.
Oli and I had such a tempestuous relationship, it would have made a roller coaster look like a joke. We'll fight for 2 days, not speak to each other for a week and then spend the whole weekend after naked under the sheets. We had absolutely no trust in each other. He stole my number of his then bi-sexual girlfriend's phone who had been "on to me" that same night. I didn't see it as that, I mean someone asking you to "hang out" and go "shopping" isn't exactly an invitation to munch on her carpet or is it? Conveniently "dumps" her and by that I mean don't pick up her calls and lead her to believing he had gone to Germany for some rather urgent business and changes the locks on her by our 3rd date, you could see why we couldn't possibly work this. I woke up on him checking my emails by the 6th date. I had his ex-girlfriend/semi-girlfriend or whatever you call her crying outside my door one night ... and this was when I pulled the plug and called my landlord to move the fuck out of there.
Towards the end, he came by my new apartment (making him promise he kept my address a secret from his psycho girl) with a bottle of vodka. We both knew it had to end somehow. We looked at each other and all we could say was.. What really went wrong?
The both of us just desperately trying to find that very feeling that we had, the "special" connection we felt the first time we met... or with that other special someone.. We both fell in deeply in love once. Not with each other or the partners we were with.. but some one from the past and trying to re-visit that was harder then we thought and when that didn't work, we drank ourselves into believing that it did.
We had so much baggage of our own, I think deep down, we both knew we were using each other as an excuse to not face up. It was easy to just sing to that same song, get completely fucked out of our heads. Did we really want to do this or were we just finding that other someone that left us a long time ago in each other?
I remember how he would always use whisper to me "If you don't sleep, its easier to wake up." He would stroke my hair and tell me this over and over again as I desperately try to sleep. I finally knew what he meant on that last night.
We still talk now. It's quite obviously we make much better friends then lovers. He still makes fun of what I was wearing the first night he met me. All in all, I'm glad I made the decision that night... Well, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't live a lie that I myself can't keep up with.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I have decided that as of today, I shall no long be dwelling in sadness but rather going out and just getting drunk. I came to this conclusion after I met an Italian stripper.
Words fail me so I just eye-fucked the shit out of him while he was thrusting his hips like no other, he made me want to fish dollar bills out of my purse. My friend introduces us and he asks me "Are you looking for a boyfriend?" At that time, my thoughts were stuck on the various things I have been planning to do to him in my head. I looked at him and said, "No.. no..." (What I actually meant to say was, those hips....... need to meet mine)
Words fail me so I just eye-fucked the shit out of him while he was thrusting his hips like no other, he made me want to fish dollar bills out of my purse. My friend introduces us and he asks me "Are you looking for a boyfriend?" At that time, my thoughts were stuck on the various things I have been planning to do to him in my head. I looked at him and said, "No.. no..." (What I actually meant to say was, those hips....... need to meet mine)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Do you love me? Do you mean what you say?
Do you know how it feels like when you just know it's never going to be but somehow.. you have that tiny bit of you that wants to believe.
I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me. I'm just this hollow shell.
I felt like ending my life today. I was by the pool and I felt lonely. No. I wasn't going to drown myself. I have bigger plans.
It was like being in this dark tunnel with no light, you're exhausted and the only way to survive is to move on.. but what if on is nothing just another path of endlessness? Do you go or do you chose to give up?
Do you know how it feels like when you just know it's never going to be but somehow.. you have that tiny bit of you that wants to believe.
I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me. I'm just this hollow shell.
I felt like ending my life today. I was by the pool and I felt lonely. No. I wasn't going to drown myself. I have bigger plans.
It was like being in this dark tunnel with no light, you're exhausted and the only way to survive is to move on.. but what if on is nothing just another path of endlessness? Do you go or do you chose to give up?
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